my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Randomize
