Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
