Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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