Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize