I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
