Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
