so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
