And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Use "feeling words"
Yay
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Randomize
