I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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