whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
