how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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