I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
