Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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