Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
