Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
