i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
