I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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