dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I need a beard to bite.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize