Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My feet surprised me
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
