I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize