Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
