I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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