I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
