I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
