I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
