I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
