I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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