Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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