The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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