The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You ruined the universe
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
