just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
