Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
