Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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