BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
