I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
