Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i came on her dog
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
