If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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