i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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