Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
