If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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