there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
