Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
