Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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