I cut my penus on the lid.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
