We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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