If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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