turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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