if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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