you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
