My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
