OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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