my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
