Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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