Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
