Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
