you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
