Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
